Ok, my father has been gone to Heaven for 15 years. It made my mother a widow at 45. I know the time would come when she would meet someone. And I'm fine with that. But we (dh & I) did a background check on him. He has been arrested twice. Once for a DUI and once for assault. She told that they are best friends and she did love him.

I haven't seen my mom in 2 years. She flew down for a visit and I confess I looked at her phone while she was in the shower. Wow!!! I saw a lot between them. I didn't expect to see what I did. I googled him and saw his criminal record. Now I'm scared for her. She is a very private person. I can't talk to her about this. They really love each other. I can except that. I just want her happy. But wow, the text messages I saw threw me.

What do I think?
What do I do?
My ds won't talk about it.
I'm in shock!
I know what I did was wrong but it's the only way I could really get the truth.
I'm a horrible daughter.

How while you handle this situation? 

You are not a horrid daughter. Do you have any siblings? If so, maybe they can help you. Your mom might already know about his past but she might not. I think if it were my mom I would have to show her the information on him.

So, your mom must be about 60 years old. At that point most men want a woman to take care of them and someone to have sex with. Is he much older than her? Does she have money? Do you think he is a scammer? 

Dint tell me, she met him online. 

I think you need to fess up to what you did while she was visiting. Tell her you were concerned. You don't know him, haven't been around him and since she lives so far away, you felt like you should check him out. She may know about his past, but if he does her wrong, you would regret not saying something. I doubt anything you say will change her mind about him. 

if he does her wrong, you would regret not saying something. I doubt anything you say will change her mind about him.?

I agree! You have to tell her what you know. Your mom will be mad at you but she will realize you love her and only checked into his past because you were concerned. 

You had no business doing what you did. You snooped on her phone, and did a background check? Who does that? 

If someone checked my phone without my permission, that person would no longer be in my life. 

Who does that?

It's pretty common these days to run background checks on suitors, especially the online meeting types. Logically, a parent (or adult child) might be inclined to check up on any potential paramours of their children/parents, especially if they live a long distance away. 

Give me a break prolix. That's not normal. 

Not saying I would do it. But there's plenty of services out there for women who meet men online to run a background check on them before they meet in person. Quite common actually, and probably not a bad idea. Why wouldn't that concern extend to a parent or adult child whose loved one lives in another state? Just saying. 

unless your mom is senile, it's "nunya". She's an adult, and will make her own decisions. 

I have no problem running a cursory search/check on anyone.

I have a huge problem with anyone sneaking a peak at any of my personal stuff. I do not do that and take a dim view of anyone that does. 

Butter, I couldn't agree more. 

Snooping on someone elses phone is wrong. Background checks are fine. 

unless your mom is senile, it's "nunya". She's an adult, and will make her own decisions.

Understood. But consider this. What if your mom is a senior citizen widow who lives far away that you don't see often. All of a sudden she's smitten with someone she "met". I think it would be logical to want to ensure she's not being taken advantage of by someone more tech savvy and less scrupulous than she is. Seniors are easy prey for people with nefarious intent and often end up losing thousands of dollars or worse merely due to being lonely and gullible. 

I agree with everyone who said it was wrong to look at her phone. I know I shouldn't have done it. I'm not upset with anyone who gets on to me about it. You're right and deserve what you all are saying.

The background check, come on, it's common to run them in this day and age. If I were not married and was dating I would do one on anyone I dated. It is for safety. I spoke to my sibling and they said my mom knows about the DUI but wasn't sure about the assult. 

As far as age, they are both 60. 

Parents have been snooping in on their kids since the beginning of time! lol I don't think she should have looked, but the background check is fine. Times have changed. People used to date someone from their hometown and if they didn't know their history, plenty of others could fill them in. You have no idea if what the person has told you is true or not. Hopefully, your mother will accept your apology for snooping, but appreciate that you did it out of concern for her safety and happiness. 

Was he convicted of the assault? Anybody can be charged with anything. Has she been with him for 2 years or longer? Have you ever met him? 

I am a mother, senior citizen at that and I completely understand what you did was out of concern for your mother. Just because your mother is a grown woman does not mean she cannot make a mistake. There are som many men and women who will take advantage of a widower. Your background check on him is perfectly leggit and the results should be revealed to your mother. If she still doesn't listen there is nothing you can do. As her dughter you have done what you can to protect her. Good luck with your situation. 

I have decided to tell her I looked at her phone. But not tell her I did the background check. My ds says she knows about the charges so there is nothing I can do. She has over looked them and accepted him. I can't change her mind So I will keep my mouth shut. 

I have decided to tell her I looked at her phone.

Confession is good for the Soul. 

There comes a time where the roles reverse and we become parents to our parents. I am not sure yyour mom is "old" enough for this ae 60 most parents are still pretty much capable at managing their lives. I understand you're worried. And quite frankly. you have every right to be. How long ago were the charges against the man? Long enough for him to rehabilitate? Do you know the details of the assault charges? Have you met the man? What was your impression of what you saw on her phone? I would definitely talk to your mom both about her boyfriend and what you've done. 

Anyone watch Dr. Phil today?? Older woman met a guy online, sent him her life savings, dude is a fraud and liar, she's out every dime. Her family could not convince her he was a fraud. Now she she out of every dime she owned. She probably WISHES someone snooped on her phone and checked the dude out before she lost EVERY dime she has. She has nothing now, nothing.

Let's be grown ups. Sometimes people need help beyond what they can consent to sometimes. The truth is if you snoop bc you're a hacker at heart and just someone who gets joy in violating peoples' privacy then you are a questionable individual. That is different than being a concerned friend or family member. Those of you on here acting all outraged, just LOL. This isn't Anonymous at work. 👍 

Much of anyone's life history is public information. I have no problem with anyone accessing and informing anyone about that info.

Sneaking a peak into someones personal data (phone) is an entirely different animal. 

So you actually think, in this day in time with all the scamming of older people, the cat fishing and other scams, a daughter worried about her Moms well being is some kind of serious moral tresspass?? So you must also think that kids internet activity shouldn't be monitored either? That's an invasion of their privacy as well. 

I've posted what I think.

Do with it what you like. 

My sister in law still monitors her kids Facebook, etc and they are 18 and 20. I can't believe they haven't thrown a fit. They are good kids and I just think by that age they need to be shown a little trust. 

If agree, but, it's not like she found a journal or diary and popped a bag of Fritos and read it for the lulz. The Internet is a dangerous place. By that age they should be educated about it. But kids "fall in love" with people online and actual go meet up with these people...it's not safe and they can't see that through their emotions, just as the older crowd is doing now, and losing life savings and bring emotionally devastated by their "lover". 

emotionally devastated by their "lover".

That is the nature of love. 

Well, there's a difference between that kind of devastation from fraud and intentional deceit vs. a real life relationship that just fails by a natural death IMO. 

Sag philosophicising. Word.... 

Gosh I wish there was someone I could trust on here to show what I found and give a honest, real life opinion on what do to with the information I have. 

The best person to talk to about this is your mother. You can tell her what you know, how you feel about the information and what you feel she should do, but she is an adult. 

Gosh I wish there was someone I could trust on here to show what I found and give a honest, real life opinion on what do to with the information I have.

There is, you did, they did.

Talk to your mother. 

I am going to Confess to her what I did. But you have to understand my mom, she is the most private person that I've ever met. There are just things that she will not discuss with anyone about. For example, when she was here my dh and I noticed how bad she snored and that she would stop breathing. Well, I have sleep apnea and I can tell that she does. So I brought it up to her and she didn't want to talk about it because she is embrassed that she snores. That's just one example of many things. 

Are you listening?

Talk to your mom.

She has a life. It's not yours. She is an adult. 

Yes butterbean, I'm listening and your advice is something I am 1/2 way taking. You stated your thought now butt out! 

I hate locked topics but in this case we are talking about a family issue and I think enough users have given their thoughts. I won't be spoken to like a child. If there is anything further you would like to add, message me.